After the heart-wrenching separation that led to my divorce, I remember flying back from Seattle to the desert and seeing all these elderly couples holding hands in the airport. I was shattered, looking at them, feeling myself an abject failure. I was lovingly reminded, "What if this isn't their first marriage?" Somehow that changed my perspective on things. Love is not all lost. The number of years together isn't the only way to measure success. Sure, grandparents could be together forever, but if he was stepping out on her on the regular and she didn't have any options other than to stay, then that changes everything. May we careful what we measure ourselves against.
Sarah, your words. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing them. There is so much power and wisdom in the question you asked yourself. We learn so much from relationships. Whether that love was fleeting, sometimes not kind, all of it. I wish we had more of a cultural recognition that years aren't what matters or the "one and done" thing.
Giselle, thank you for your beautiful presence and witnessing. Relationships are classrooms, after all (Marianna Williamson said this). Thank you for your voice!
All of this. Everything. Dear god I'm so grateful for your words, Giselle. It makes me squirm to hear people put so much damn pressure on something outside of themselves, especially relationships which obviously involve whole other people with their own shit. When you know you know.... Until you don't know anymore?! Sometimes I watch couples stay together almost only because of how long they've been together, not wanting to "throw it all away," but at what cost?
Kaitlyn! In deep gratitude for your presence. What you just said, "whole other people with their own shit". YES! There can be such a lack of honouring someone else's autonomy and that they may grow in ways where our lives are no longer compatible. And that's OKAY. Whew so much on this topic isn't there!
I really really loved this - you put words to so much of what I feel about relationships. Unknowing and accepting is so much about giving up control as well. We don't know how our lives will be from day to day. We have to let it flow, be thankful for the moment and live in intentionality. You really write so beautifully on this complex and emotional issue. I'll return to this post!
Maeve! Thank you for being here. I appreciate your reflections on this so much. The control piece of this is so rich to think about isn't it. And our resistance to surrendering some of that control and trusting in what else might be instead.
"I really believe that certainty is overrated. It diminishes our agency. Allows us to forget that we are creators of our reality, even when life convinces us that we are simply passengers. When we think we know something, we take that knowing as truth, when what determines truth? What we know or think to be true today, may not be true tomorrow. We become attached to what we think we know and it limits our possibilities for change and growth. We can work towards a potential conclusion, head into a plan or path and we’ll never have certainty because life never promised that to us. When we cling to any one potential outcome, we often eliminate other ways of existing. How expansive would life be if we lived in the unknown? To shift from the idea that not knowing what will happen is something to fear instead of something to get giddy about."
****The second thing, as I said before is, “when you know, you know”. Especially, and actually pretty much exclusively, when it’s said in the context of dating and romantic relationships. My heart, usually a land of softness and delight for humanity, that sings a pleasant hum of, “I hear you”, “Tell me more”, and “I feel…” wants to rebel and scream out, “well no, you don’t fucking know.”
I mean, do we know? Can we know? And why does it aggravate me so?**** xxxxx
You are such a delight! In such appreciation for you reading this and finding similarity with your own thinking. I've truly been thinking about this for so many years haha. Therapeutic to give it space on a page.
Omfg the intestines thing you said - that happened to me when I read this because exactly omfg thank u so fucking much for this 😭😭😭😭😭😭
****All sticking to the same formula. They met. They knew instantly. Had a fast, rushing to your laptop to get Glastonbury tickets, type of relationship. From people moving in after two weeks, marriage after a few months and a baby imminently after. They detail the proof of their knowing, with a closing remark that says something along the lines of, “now, 15 years, one house, three babies and a business later, we’re still together.” Followed by, you guessed it. “Because, when you know, you know.”***
I’m sure this served as a huge fucking relief to many, as it did to me, to be reminded (needed regularly) that uncertainty is the nature of life and something that yes can make us giddy with joy and excitement. I’m choosing this.
I want to hug all of my past selves who felt the need to prematurely declare “WYKYK” because she didn’t feel safe enough to take responsibility for her own heart, her own life.
These words spoke so true and so beautifully to me Giselle, thank you. X
After the heart-wrenching separation that led to my divorce, I remember flying back from Seattle to the desert and seeing all these elderly couples holding hands in the airport. I was shattered, looking at them, feeling myself an abject failure. I was lovingly reminded, "What if this isn't their first marriage?" Somehow that changed my perspective on things. Love is not all lost. The number of years together isn't the only way to measure success. Sure, grandparents could be together forever, but if he was stepping out on her on the regular and she didn't have any options other than to stay, then that changes everything. May we careful what we measure ourselves against.
Sarah, your words. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing them. There is so much power and wisdom in the question you asked yourself. We learn so much from relationships. Whether that love was fleeting, sometimes not kind, all of it. I wish we had more of a cultural recognition that years aren't what matters or the "one and done" thing.
Giselle, thank you for your beautiful presence and witnessing. Relationships are classrooms, after all (Marianna Williamson said this). Thank you for your voice!
All of this. Everything. Dear god I'm so grateful for your words, Giselle. It makes me squirm to hear people put so much damn pressure on something outside of themselves, especially relationships which obviously involve whole other people with their own shit. When you know you know.... Until you don't know anymore?! Sometimes I watch couples stay together almost only because of how long they've been together, not wanting to "throw it all away," but at what cost?
This was such a refreshing read.
Kaitlyn! In deep gratitude for your presence. What you just said, "whole other people with their own shit". YES! There can be such a lack of honouring someone else's autonomy and that they may grow in ways where our lives are no longer compatible. And that's OKAY. Whew so much on this topic isn't there!
I really really loved this - you put words to so much of what I feel about relationships. Unknowing and accepting is so much about giving up control as well. We don't know how our lives will be from day to day. We have to let it flow, be thankful for the moment and live in intentionality. You really write so beautifully on this complex and emotional issue. I'll return to this post!
Maeve! Thank you for being here. I appreciate your reflections on this so much. The control piece of this is so rich to think about isn't it. And our resistance to surrendering some of that control and trusting in what else might be instead.
"I really believe that certainty is overrated. It diminishes our agency. Allows us to forget that we are creators of our reality, even when life convinces us that we are simply passengers. When we think we know something, we take that knowing as truth, when what determines truth? What we know or think to be true today, may not be true tomorrow. We become attached to what we think we know and it limits our possibilities for change and growth. We can work towards a potential conclusion, head into a plan or path and we’ll never have certainty because life never promised that to us. When we cling to any one potential outcome, we often eliminate other ways of existing. How expansive would life be if we lived in the unknown? To shift from the idea that not knowing what will happen is something to fear instead of something to get giddy about."
THIS HAS TO BE FRAMED IN EVERYONE'S HOMES.
You are so kind, truly. Really appreciate you reading my words. Thank you!
you are so talented. I gasped. I want to read it at a soon-to-be-created open mic about subtackers essays.
THANK GOD FOR YOU
Adore you x
I fucking love you -
This whole thing!!!
****The second thing, as I said before is, “when you know, you know”. Especially, and actually pretty much exclusively, when it’s said in the context of dating and romantic relationships. My heart, usually a land of softness and delight for humanity, that sings a pleasant hum of, “I hear you”, “Tell me more”, and “I feel…” wants to rebel and scream out, “well no, you don’t fucking know.”
I mean, do we know? Can we know? And why does it aggravate me so?**** xxxxx
You are such a delight! In such appreciation for you reading this and finding similarity with your own thinking. I've truly been thinking about this for so many years haha. Therapeutic to give it space on a page.
Omfg the intestines thing you said - that happened to me when I read this because exactly omfg thank u so fucking much for this 😭😭😭😭😭😭
****All sticking to the same formula. They met. They knew instantly. Had a fast, rushing to your laptop to get Glastonbury tickets, type of relationship. From people moving in after two weeks, marriage after a few months and a baby imminently after. They detail the proof of their knowing, with a closing remark that says something along the lines of, “now, 15 years, one house, three babies and a business later, we’re still together.” Followed by, you guessed it. “Because, when you know, you know.”***
Thank you
I think the only phrase worse than "when you know you know" is "if it's meant to be" like the outcome depends on some rolling of the cosmic dice...
I’m sure this served as a huge fucking relief to many, as it did to me, to be reminded (needed regularly) that uncertainty is the nature of life and something that yes can make us giddy with joy and excitement. I’m choosing this.
Thank you, you beautiful human 🤍
Oh, Sarina! "I'm choosing this" - YES! All the blessings to you 💕
💜
I want to hug all of my past selves who felt the need to prematurely declare “WYKYK” because she didn’t feel safe enough to take responsibility for her own heart, her own life.
These words spoke so true and so beautifully to me Giselle, thank you. X
Brilliant piece my love ! xx
I would argue that you are more romantic than the counterpart you argue against—the willingness to live in those inbetweens.
Yes.