5 Things I'm doing imperfectly (by choice)

Instead of waiting until everything is ready, perfect, and polished

1. Creating content for social media to share and promote my work, has always been something that I’ve committed to for a while, stopped for a month, and then annoyingly realised I should probably get back to. As someone who is vehemently anti-should’s, I’ve never enjoyed this. Interestingly enough, I enjoy showing up on Instagram, I have the most loving community and I adore sharing how I see the world, and all the trees and pigeons I capture on the way.
   
   What’s held me back is the belief that I need all the gear and not just my whimsy ideas. Do I need a better camera? Are people renting studios to show their morning routines or are these their actual homes? Do I need a whole new aesthetic apartment before I can share my peppermint tea? I’ve even spent days watching reels about how to edit videos and add overlays and transitions, to then never action it. Lest it look like a scrappy student-looking version of what I hoped would be a Netflix-worthy 30 second production.
   
   This time around, as I embark on re-emerging fully into my audacious, does all the shit I say I will do, softly creating and boldly outreaching self, I’ve made myself a little spreadsheet. It’s got content pillars for each day and everything. I’m showing up for it imperfectly. Don’t get it confused, I cried last week because I was over having to do 100 DIY steps to do something, instead of being able to hire someone to do it better and easier than I can. But, tis the paradox of a creative, and also one I’m really damn proud of as my resourcefulness is one of my greatest skills. Always has been.
   
   I’m using boxes to prop my cheap but effective tripod on, bedsheets as a tablecloth, zooming in really tight on things to avoid the smoke-stained wall in the background from lighting too many candles. I’m having to delete videos between each take because I don’t have enough storage on my phone, as I don’t want to pay £8 a month to upgrade my iCloud. We keep showing up.

   

2. I’ve been delaying starting my podcast for years, an indecent amount of years. It wasn’t even for a lack of ideas. I always have ideas. I often fear that I have too many. I start most conversations with my people with, “oh just playing around with a new idea I had”. I even pretended that my reason was because there’s too many podcasts. A lie because I know for a fact this world will never have too many bakeries. I don’t believe there’s not enough space for everyone to create.
   
   Again, I was waiting for this magical day where I could have someone produce and edit it for me, so it would sound like the top 5 podcasts everyone listens to. I convinced myself I wouldn’t know how to edit it, as if I’ve not been editing guided meditations (and for big brands) by simply removing any loud sounds in the background. I was then waiting to have a design agency brand the whole thing up for me. Waiting to do an entire conceptual photoshoot for one cover image. Waiting to afford a studio and videographer to film it in the most lush studios so it could be on YouTube. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
   
   Anyway, I’ll be launching my imperfect podcast by the end of this month. I got tired of my shit. I was going to do a whole “coming soon” lead up, but you know what, I’m telling you now without a Canva-designed graphic because not everything needs to be that deep.
   
   I’m recording it myself on software I’ve never used before, I will edit the audio because Google is free, and I even made music in lockdown with a £9.99 Udemy course because I couldn’t find any royalty-free music for my meditations. I will design all the promo posts for each episode and figure out how to make an audiogram. I’m recording it either in a cupboard in my flat editing out the obnoxious District Line horns that sound every few minutes, or will haul my ass on said line over to my partner’s place while he’s at work to use his office.
   
   I’m not comparing myself to anyone who is either on season 25 of their podcast which is now their full-time job and justifies a full team or to those who have extensive budget for it. I’m just putting work out, as it comes. May we all just start where we are, with what we have.

   

3. I don’t have an exercise regime, I just move my body in ways that feel good, which is usually walking and dancing, with a sprinkle of yoga or strength training. Sometimes I walk on my treadmill in a dress or pyjamas (the same treadmill that I shouldn’t have bought during lockdown as it takes up 80% of my sitting room, but does bring me endless joy). Sometimes, I don’t wear a sports bra and with each bounce of my breasts I know it’s not ideal but ya know what, it is what it is. There are days when I can’t be bothered to bend down to turn the treadmill on, but my period bloat demands I walk my way to comfort, so I just walk up and down my hallway in my slippers. I’ve wasted so much time trying to do “right” by my body, when all it ever wanted was for me to show up for it, in whichever scrappy, inconsistent, and half-assed way I can.

   

4. I wonder if I’ll ever figure out what to eat, when to eat it, and why to eat it. I’ve worked with a nutritionist before which was a game-changer, I’m pretty aware of the majority of nutrition concepts, but my CPTSD has a precious mind of its own when it comes to nourishing myself. I’ve written in my journal countless times about my desire to be “normal” when it comes to food, as if there’s such a thing. Waiting for the day when it’ll be perfect, and you know what, I’ve made my peace with the fact that this day will never come.
   
   I just do what I can. Some days that looks like bowls filled with however many plants we are supposed to be consuming these days. Some days it’s packets of Rana pasta and garlic bread. Other days, I drink the proper quota of water and some days I realise I’ve only had a mere few sad sips. I’ve tried not to have such a predisposition to a daily sweet treat, but realised a life is not a life for me, if there aren’t sweet treats candy-wrapped all up in it. There’s not a perfect way to eat, we’ve just got to eat, and hopefully on a plate of kindness for ourselves.

   

5. I listened to Jamie Kern Lima’s podcast with Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, and Meghan spoke about no longer playing the prove it game. About how we spend so much of our lives believing we have to prove something. Whether that’s trying to prove that you’re smart enough, pretty enough, a great friend, a wonderful partner, talented enough, worthy enough, good enough. On, and on it goes. And, the freedom that comes with not having to prove anything to anyone, because you just know who the fuck you are.
   
   I will never be the “perfect” anything, and I really don’t want to. I want to be in process, where I’m learning, exploring, discovering and trying to figure things out. I never think that I know more than anyone. I’m living in the peace that what is right for me, may well not be right for you. I’m not over-explaining or proving why I choose what I choose. I am no longer proving who I am to anyone, all I can do is share and offer who I am with love, honesty and openness. In all of my imperfections.
   
   I’m not apologising for my wins, success, anything. I refuse to prove my existence. For me, that means knowing I will always show up imperfectly to someone or some thing, and that is all good with me, because deep in my marrow I know the kind of human I am, and I know there is so much I am yet to know, and will always be willing to learn.